Motivation.

"Life is an instrument for a song, like the sun for tomorrow's dawn, every moment of time's just an answer to find what you're here for, what you breathe for, what you wake for, what you bleed for."

With only four or five more days of school left, this is it. The beginning of the rest of my life. I have no sure game plan, only a rough outline with all my goals & dreams. Yesterday, a good friend of mine asked me how I was so motivated, how i've always made good grades & always found time to do my homework after a looong day. I said, it's simple...I want to be successful & make something of my self, go places and accomplish great things in life. I was then asked my definition of successful. My goal in life is to have a good career that i'm passionate about and most importantly, enjoy.

Two of my three brothers never made it out of middle school. They dropped out before 8th grade, got involved with the wrong crowd, started doing drugs. I've watched drugs destroy my brother & sister in law's life. My oldest brother has come to be addicted to pain pills. My father was an acholic and he passed away with a heart attack in his early forties when I was six years old. The youngest of my three brothers graduated high school but he's not going to college or choosing to better himself. He's now working with my oldest brother. My three brothers haven't done anything with their lifes. I'm determined too. I'm going to be the first person in my family to go to college and do great things with my life. I love my brothers, they have been my influence to succeed in life, choose my friends wisely, and stay away from drugs, alcohol, and partying. I'd be lost without them.

All I can do at this point in time is pray that i'll be able to listen with an open heart & mind, understand, & make wise choices regarding my future has God reveals his plan for my life. <3

Hope you have a beautiful weekend!
Thought i'd sure these pictures of my baby, Rascal. He's a free spirit & will be two years old this month. :)

8's

So I was tagged :) Here ya go.

8 things I am looking forward to:

1. Graduating in a few weeks.
2. Having adventures & spending more time with family & friends this summer.
3. Spending more time with my Marine & building our relationship.
4. Starting college in the fall.
5. SKYDIVING this summer :)
6. Turning 18.
7. Getting into shape & getting healthier.
8. I'm looking forward to the future in general.


8 things I did yesterday:

1. Went to school.
2. Picked up my paycheck & got it cashed.
3. Ate Mexican with one of my best friends.
4. Went to the library.
5. Started to read Dear John by Nicolas Sparks.
6. Played Zelda: Twilight Princess.
7. Bought some things for my scrapbook.
8. Exercised.


8 things I wish I could do:

1. Learn to fly & get my pilot's license.
2. Travel the world & experience different cultures.
3. Go skydiving.
4. Become one of the few female fighter pilots in the military.
5. Truely make a difference in the world & impact someone's life in a great way.
6. Find a better job that I enjoy.
7. Get a new car.
8. Accomplish all my dreams & goals in life.


8 shows I watch:

1. Nip/Tuck
2. NCIS
3. The Secret Life of an American teenager.
4. Family Guy
5. House.
6. America's funniest home videos.
7. 1000 ways to die.
8. Extreme Makeover; Home Edition.

Kidney stones & Smallpox

It's been quite awhile since i've posted. I was out of school for spring break & went to spend some time with some family. Other than that, i've been reading alot lately. I started the Left Behind series and they are AMAZING books. If you haven't read them, i'd strongly suggest them. I started on the 6th book in the series today after school and just finished it in a single setting, 412 pages!

I want to thank all people who have been praying for Cale & I and our relationship. I strongly believe in the power of prayer and I feel in my heart that things are going to get better. Graduation is right around the corner, with only three weeks of school left. As it turns out, Cale is NOT deploying after all.

When he first told me he wasn't deploying, he mentioned it was because the lists were being switched around left and right. I recently told him that I didn't feel like we were in a relationship at all, there has been close to no communication or effort on his part. Things have been rocky. I didn't hear from him all week until he called me saturday night. He is in pretty bad shape right now.

Friday he was in so much pain that he went to the hospital and turns out he had his first ever kidney stone. He was able to pass it with little pain due to the medicine they gave him. On top of that, a few weeks ago, the men getting deployed all got a Smallpox vaccine. Well...his skin broke open and he's had a really bad reaction to it. Turns out he's not getting deployed because he has a cyst he has to have removed and his surgery was scheduled for after the deployment, the 15th of this month. He's in pretty bad shape and to top all of that, he had 24 hour duty yesterday. I feel horrible but he agreed he should have kept me more informed.

We talked about our relationship & I told him that things have really got to change. We both agreed that our relationship is in shambles right now but we really want to work together and rebuild it. Not that he's not deploying, he has ALOT of time to talk now & no excuses so we will see if he really steps up to his words & promises. His surgery is on the 15th and after that he should be home on medical leave for a week or two. I can't deny that i'll be so happy to see him and finally be in his arms again, after almost 13 weeks. While i'm not happy that he's having surgery, we both feel like him missing this deployment will be good for us because we can really work on our relationship.

I believe this may be a blessing for our relationship and an answer to my prayers.. With him not deploying anymore and me graduation this month, things will change considerably. We will be able to see each other more often. If you could just please keep him in your prayers & his health. It would be appreciated.

Semper Fi!

Missing piece.

I've grown to feel like something is missing from life...as if there is a missing piece. I just can't seem to figure it out.

Peace & Quiet

Lately, there has been alot on my mind and i've come to enjoy all the peace and quiet time alone that I can get. It seems as if everday that goes by, i'm growing to love the outdoors and nature even more. Nature is so peaceful and beautiful. I love reading, walking in the woods, fishing, and just soaking up all the beauty of another warm, beautiful spring day. I feel myself growing, learning, and appreciating more every day as Graduation draws near.

I have been reading alot more than usual lately. It seems to be the only thing that truely helps to get my mind off of Cale & this deployment. I have a huge stack of books waiting to be read so that will keep me busy for quite a while. I am so thankful that my very first teacher encouraged me to read and for my Mother teaching me to love to read. She always says that before I could read, I would memorize the words to books she read to me and I would "read" them when I was alone. Apparently I "read" so loud that everyone would tell my mother to make me hush so they could watch their TV. ;) But she was always taking me to the library and so my love for reading grew. It's my way of blocking out reality.

This deployment is putting alot of strain on Cale & I's relationship. Things are tough and i'm not going to go into detail. I'm just praying that we can get a chance to finally talk this weekend and work things out before he leaves for Afgahnistan. If it's God's will, then things will work out. <3

Spring Break is the week after next. :) I asked off work for half the week to spend some time with my brothers & nieces & nephews. If tomorrow is as pretty as it was today, we are going to cook out and maybe go fishing. I hope everyone has a beautiful weekend!

Just thought i'd share this picture because it made me smile. The newest addition to our "farm" family.

Truely blessed.

This one has nothing to do with the Marine Corps :)

As I was sitting here thinking about my life, i've come to realize that I am so truely blessed in life with a great family, loving boyfriend, and a few of the most amazing, true friends that anyone could ever ask for. I just wanted to take the time to write about a few of those people because they truely make my heart smile and they are in my thoughts today.

I've been blessed with a few, true friends in life. To be honest, i'd rather have a few, TRUE friends than a million casual friends. I know they will always be a part of my life and have a little knook and cranny in my heart :)


Brandi- You are truely one of the sweetest, most beautiful, strong, amazing ladies that i've ever
met and i'm so thankful to have you in my life. We can relate so well and it never fails to amaze me how we can just talk, talk, talk, talk about anything and everything. :) You have helped me through so much these past few years and I know I can always come to you and just pour out my heart and soul and you never judge me, you just listen and always have advice when I ask. You have watched me grow up so much these past three years and I've had the pleasure and seeing two of my best friends get married and start a BEAUTIFUL family together. I know it hasn't been easy at times and there will many rough patches to come but I will always, always be here for you and Mia is truely lucky to have such an awesome momma! I know she's going to look up to you :) I honestly can't thank you enough for all you have done and helped me through and all the nice, kind words of encouragement that have pulled me through many tough times. I love you so much!

Laura- I could say so much about this girl. She's my bestfriend and my sister. We have so many amazing times together and are always making new memories. She's truely one of a kind and i'm thankful that she's become such a big part of my life. We have both grown up so much together and we are both very, mature for our age. I think that's part of the reason we get along so well and never fight. She's a great, true friend. <3

Amber- We have grown apart a lot this last year or two but she'll always remain one of my best friends, no matter what. She is truely unique and there is no other like her. We have been friends since the 7th grade and we have grown into beautiful, strong, young ladies together. Of course we had plenty of ups and downs but she's amazing and I always want her to be a part of my life. :)

Cale- My first love, my boyfriend, my heart, my life. I never expected to fall in love so soon or so fast, I thought I had my life figured out and it didn't include any serious relationship until I got a life going for myself. But he came back into my life and swept me off my feet, so to say. He's so different from all the other men i've ever met.. He's self-suffient, disicplined, respectful, strong, kind.. he's a Marine and the love of my life. He shows me so much respect and love and even though it's a hard, long-distance relationship I know he loves me and cares about me, I can hear it in his voice when he calls and see it in his eyes. He supports my decision to go into the military myself and has not once tryed to convince me other wise. He has even said that when his term of service is up he would go into the reserves and follow me around if I go into the AF. I know God has a plan for us, I can feel in my heart. We fit together perfectly. < 3

So these are just a few of the people who have special places in my heart.

Set myself up for disappointment yet again.

He's not coming home this weekend after all... in fact... there is only about a 2 % chance that he will even get to come home at all now. I just talked to him on the phone, for about five minutes. He said alot of Marines are having fights with their girlfriends who don't understand why they can't just come home... he said he's lucky to have me because I understand that it's out of his control. He also said I had every right to be upset and angry because of his lack of communication. He said he feels like he's screwing up our relationship because of it, he said he feels like such a dick. I can't deny that I am angry and upset with how he has left me so in the dark and clueless...didn't make much of effort to keep me updated like he promised. In fact, he didn't make any effort at all.He knows i'm angry and upset too. I can't stopping crying, i've been so upset all day. But there seems to finally be a set date for this deployment....the week after next...

But it's completely out of his hands whether he will get to come home or not but he's going to try everything he can to come home to see me and I believe him. It's just the fact that I have to wait another damn week, not knowing if i'll get to see him and say goodbye before he leaves that is tearing me up. It's so hard to drag myself out of bed in the mornings and face yet another day not knowing... I'm sure i'll be okay if I get to see him and when he leaves. I never expected to fall in love, especially not so fast. He is everything to me. I love him with all my heart and soul. I'm ready for him to leave so this deployment can begin and fly by and he'll be home before I know it and things will be so much better.

The Marine Corps is so stresssful and frustrating. Everything is always changing... first they say that they will definitely get leave... then it goes from... maybe... no... yes... maybe...This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but it will be so worth it when this deployment is over and he's back home. Of course they moved it down from a year to seven months but that will probably change as well. There was so much I wanted to say to him on the phone....so much I wanted to ask but I just froze up...he had just got off work and he was so tired so he cut me off after five minutes. He said don't ever be afraid to text him and let him know i'm still here but he could do the same thing.

He didn't tell me he was going to the field so I was left wandering what the hell was going on for nearly two weeks and after he promised to keep me updated, he made no effort. Just another promises the USMC couldn't keep. But how could I ever be mad at hime when I pick up the phone to hear "darling" I love him so much.... this is just so frustrating. Things are hell up there right now and I feel so bad for him and all the other men. I need some serious strength right now and i 'm praying that he gets to come home... but I know not to get my hopes up again.. I have to face yet another week of work and school and try to put a smile on my face.