Friday, April 10, 2009

Set myself up for disappointment yet again.

He's not coming home this weekend after all... in fact... there is only about a 2 % chance that he will even get to come home at all now. I just talked to him on the phone, for about five minutes. He said alot of Marines are having fights with their girlfriends who don't understand why they can't just come home... he said he's lucky to have me because I understand that it's out of his control. He also said I had every right to be upset and angry because of his lack of communication. He said he feels like he's screwing up our relationship because of it, he said he feels like such a dick. I can't deny that I am angry and upset with how he has left me so in the dark and clueless...didn't make much of effort to keep me updated like he promised. In fact, he didn't make any effort at all.He knows i'm angry and upset too. I can't stopping crying, i've been so upset all day. But there seems to finally be a set date for this deployment....the week after next...

But it's completely out of his hands whether he will get to come home or not but he's going to try everything he can to come home to see me and I believe him. It's just the fact that I have to wait another damn week, not knowing if i'll get to see him and say goodbye before he leaves that is tearing me up. It's so hard to drag myself out of bed in the mornings and face yet another day not knowing... I'm sure i'll be okay if I get to see him and when he leaves. I never expected to fall in love, especially not so fast. He is everything to me. I love him with all my heart and soul. I'm ready for him to leave so this deployment can begin and fly by and he'll be home before I know it and things will be so much better.

The Marine Corps is so stresssful and frustrating. Everything is always changing... first they say that they will definitely get leave... then it goes from... maybe... no... yes... maybe...This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but it will be so worth it when this deployment is over and he's back home. Of course they moved it down from a year to seven months but that will probably change as well. There was so much I wanted to say to him on the much I wanted to ask but I just froze up...he had just got off work and he was so tired so he cut me off after five minutes. He said don't ever be afraid to text him and let him know i'm still here but he could do the same thing.

He didn't tell me he was going to the field so I was left wandering what the hell was going on for nearly two weeks and after he promised to keep me updated, he made no effort. Just another promises the USMC couldn't keep. But how could I ever be mad at hime when I pick up the phone to hear "darling" I love him so much.... this is just so frustrating. Things are hell up there right now and I feel so bad for him and all the other men. I need some serious strength right now and i 'm praying that he gets to come home... but I know not to get my hopes up again.. I have to face yet another week of work and school and try to put a smile on my face.

1 comment:

  1. Honey, I'm so sorry. I hate that you're dealing with all this grief, and I wish he would just talk to you more about it! I know it would help you to feel better about the whole situation. I really am sorry...I'm truly praying that things get better, and that he WILL get to come home. I'm not giving up yet! ILY so much<3